This past November 11, 2010, was my mom’s 97th birthday. That is not a typo. She really turned 97 years old. As a child, I don’t remember ever celebrating her birthday, ever! We were not allowed to ask her age and she was highly insulted when anyone would ask her age. I forgot to mention that she is from the Deep South and that just might explain some of this story.
Let me hasten to add that as a child I had the best birthday parties. Those memories are locked in my brain; memories of slumber parties with my best friends. I even received a phone call from an elementary school friend this past year. She woke up on my birthday wondering why she was thinking of me and then realized it was my birthday. I was 59 years old when she called so talk about long term memory.
But I have strayed from the original story! My mom turned 97 years old and what do I get for someone that has it all and can’t even truly enjoy it? She has dementia and is in a wheel chair. She is in an unbelievable place that takes care of her every basic need; including safety. So really what can I give someone that I have loved and do love but don’t feel that “special” connection? I believe that what I give to others I strengthen in myself. How can I reach out to her and intentionally connect to her and believe that she can and will feel my love and my connection to her even through the dementia.
So what did I do?
There is a fabulous book, I Love You Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey. It was written with the intent of making connections with young children and boosting their brain power. I’ve implemented I Love You Rituals (ILYRS) with countless children and observed amazing connections, focus and concentration. All ILYRS have eye contact, touch, presence and a bit of playfulness. It takes maybe 15-20 seconds and it strengthens the dopamine which helps attention and concentration. I wondered if there was a way to apply the same principle with a different look for my mom. I decided to do the same I Love You Ritual but two different ways and see what happened. I chose “Twinkle, Twinkle”.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
What a wonderful mom/granny you are!
With bright eyes and nice round cheeks,
Talented mom/granny from head to feet.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
What a wonderful mom/granny you are!
I arrived at my mom’s room. I think that she recognized me just from the way she looked at me. She never called me by name. I began to sing“Twinkle Twinkle” and she began to sing with me. She definitely was “with” me. Later, I gathered all four great-grandchildren. We practiced “Twinkle” twice. We put Granny in the center of the five of us and sang “Twinkle.” We ended with a group hug around her. For the rest of the day, my mom was alert and present with me and all of her great-grandchildren. What a present from all of our hearts to her heart. Our present was our presence.
Check out this great book that can transform relationships with eye contact, presence, touch and playfulness.
I Love You Rituals: Activities to Build Bonds and Strengthen Relationships with Children.
Did I mention that there are two music CD’s of I Love You Rituals that help establish the rituals?
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